Yesterday was a long one and I wound up getting home late again. Grabbed something to eat and had a beer or two to unwind. I usually just perch at the kitchen table and zone out when I get home. Sometimes that's about all I'm capable of. If I sit still and stare at a sandwich somehow disappearing in front of me, after a while the sound of a locomotive will fade and the floor will stop moving under my feet. It takes some time for all the dirt and diesel smoke from the day to swirl down the drain but eventually it does and nothing is left but a dry toothpaste film on the sink. It's like that a lot when I finally get back from one of these trips.
I tossed my grip in its parking spot, dumped out my pockets in the junk drawer and went prowling in the fridge. Younger son was here on a break from college so we shot the breeze a little but I was pretty much spent. I hate feeling like I'm only half in the world trying to talk to him. I know I'm mostly incoherent but can't seem to pull it together. I hope he understands. Not too long after nuked leftovers and cool green glass, I slowly made it up the stairs to collapse.
I should be happy to hit the sheets but lately there's not much rest to be had. Too many things spinning in my head I suppose. I wish they'd whirl around into better dreams but somehow they seem to spin mostly into cobwebs and October chills. I keep on travelling far and wide in my sleep and I wish I was truly home instead. The pillows wind up lost in the shuffle and only daybreak or a crew caller ends the wrestling match. Hence, Monday morning...
I managed to wobble out of bed and only vaguely knew where I was. I spend so much time in crew hotels that sometimes I forget which end of the road I'm on until I run into the wall a couple of times looking for the bathroom. I figured it out after I tripped over the cat and heard the dog barking at his hallucinations. He's getting a tad blind in his old age so he just barks at things behind his eyes instead of out front. I probably do the same thing.
There's a thousand things I need to do in the next day or so but I'm having a hard time getting moving. I'm watching an insanely busy little red squirrel out on the deck raiding what's left of my sunflowers and wishing I had half his energy. I should probably pick off the little stinker before he moves into the house for the winter but I can't seem to bring myself to pop him. He and the chipmunks are racing to strip the seeds off the big flowers and they're fun to watch so I leave them alone. Maybe they'll inspire me. Just keep moving.
But still, it's Monday in the real world and Saturday to me. Days behind everyone again. I missed a birthday party for my Dad on the calendar Saturday this week. What else is new? I've missed so much over the years. I'm mostly a stranger to my own family anymore so they pretty much don't expect me to show up anyway. When you're out of sync most of the time, people just get used to not seeing you after a while. Monday morning again.
Maybe that's why today is kind of gray. The weather is gloomy so that doesn't help. I was hoping for a therapy bike ride today but it just started a cold rain so I guess that's not going to fly either. I need a ride just to clear those cobwebs I spun last night out from between my ears...maybe tomorrow. Fall and I never did get along.
Monday morning...and I'm coming down.
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