The holidays are here again. I hate this time of year so much and I doubt that'll ever change. It's just the way I'm wired I guess. It's my old dark place. So dark I know it as The Black.
I've said it many times here on these pages that I just can't stand the expected and required happiness for a month over something that is basically a commercial enterprise. This year will be more of the same.
As a bonus, this time around we have a pandemic where everyone is either (hopefully) staying home and thinking about others or (for some) ignoring all warnings and having big family gatherings to share in the Covid-19.
The railroad is keeping me exhausted and off balance which doesn't help. I'm working relentlessly as the virus and quarantines makes the rounds of the terminal
It always manages to make me sad...sometimes more than others.
I struggle every year. I miss my sons. I miss sunny days. I don't laugh much and when I do, it feels like I'm faking. It catches me off guard...when I'm driving or almost asleep. Or a memory sets it off or a stray thought leads down the wrong road. I find myself listening to unhappy songs again...angry music or sad. Somehow it appeals to me when nights are so long and days are so dark.
I know that I will get over it and through it like I always do but someday...I hope it isn't so hard.
And maybe when spring is somewhere near and 'the holidays' are behind once again, The Black will slink back into the places where it hides and leave me alone for a while so I can smile.
