Dark December

December again. The awful holidays. The short days and long nights that hit me so stupid hard every time they roll around. No matter how much better things are (and they are so very much better), December seems able to take the wind out of my sails. It's like a weight.

I've wished most of my life that I could hibernate from Halloween till New Years. But the world doesn't work that way so I just have to get through it one more time...

I don't even really know why it does this to me. Just somewhere along the line it all went dark. The buying, doing, going, worrying, decorating...all of it just wore me out. I stopped being able to generate the required and expected happiness and anticipation. I can't buy my way out of it like I'm supposed to. I wish that 12 months interest free was enough but I can't do it. It feels like trying to buy your way into heaven. The artificial joy everyone seems so desperate to display, I can't find.

The delusion of seasonal goodwill only makes it worse. Everywhere the hating goes on like any other day or any other season. The 'holidays' are just another excuse to be outraged by something...a Christmas song becomes a nasty meme...people are trampled and fights break out over shopping...families fall apart over politics at dinner...everyone is offended over almost everything. Everywhere are symbols of peace but there is no peace to be found. Intolerance is the standard when someone isn't 'us'.  In the name of the Christian holiday...everything Christendom says it stands for is demeaned. 

It all comes together to make me sad. I know better than some that the world is what you make of it and most times, I can see the good out there somewhere. But December is black and clouds the view. 

Somehow, the lights go out around Thanksgiving and never came back on till the madness passes and the last payment is made. I know I've written about this before. Maybe it'll never change.

Maybe I'll never change.

It was better I guess when the kids were small. They'd tumble out to a tree and presents just like I did when I was little. They'd rip and shred in the living room then disappear to un-box and assemble the goodies. With luck, we remembered the batteries...

I hope they have happy memories of those years. I tried really hard to make it fun. I tried but I'm not sure how I did. They're both off on their own now and I don't see or hear from them much and nobody mentions it. I can only hope it was all ok. I don't know that I'll ever know.

I do know that I've written about traditions a time or two as well. I've been told that I should create new traditions if the old ones make me unhappy. I guess that makes sense but I don't know what to do about it. Some things don't seem to change. What would I create? Something I'd do at a certain time of year to remind me how much that time of year hurts? Color me skeptical. I mostly wish it would all go away...not turn into something else. I can't understand why.

All I know is that December kicks me hard every time the calendar flips over from November. I wish it would stop. I wish I could make it stop. Maybe next year...

...one more time.