Year End and Down

Here we are again. 2020 is going into the history books almost universally described as the worst year in pretty much everyone's memory...mine included.

It's been a tough one. The pandemic is on top of the list of course. Navigating the crisis is exhausting. Masks, rules, statistics, misinformation and the seemingly inevitable conspiracy lunacy over the whole thing takes more energy than I seem to have most days. It seems like most people either don't believe it or are dying of it and it wears me out.

I miss people. I miss my Dad who I haven't seen since March for fear of bringing him a life-threatening illness that I've likely been exposed to. I'm sad that my son couldn't visit this year. I'm tired of not seeing either of my kids. I'm angry that people still don't care enough about anyone but themselves and their 'personal liberty' to even try to slow the virus down. Just call it fake and have a party.

Work has kept me off balance since the spring when they officially stopped being a railroad and embarked on a new mission to do nothing but generate money for hedge funds. People have left in droves or gotten fired or caught the virus and the few who have too much time in it to get out are miserable...that would include me. There's not enough people, locomotives or hours. Arbitrary deadlines abound and it feels like some overlord in Atlanta is watching every move waiting for you to make a mistake so they can fire you. This too is exhausting.

Even time home isn't really time. I can't sleep while my mind races with too much input and I wind up waking up early and just spinning. My Mom used to say I was like a duck...calm and collected on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath. I've been paddling a lot these days. I know some of it is the dark and the season but the pond seems especially choppy of late.

I miss so much. Skating. Skating is probably out until the vaccine trickles down from Washington and Hollywood and Wall Street to those of us 'essentials' who've been expendable through the whole thing. I need to skate and feel music again.

I miss biking. I saw so much of the world from a bike saddle but now there just never seems to be time or energy. I used to ride in the winter, in the dark, in the rain but somehow it just seems like I can't ever find the pedals. My old friend the blue Trek has hung in the garage for almost two years without turning a wheel. I feel a little empty every time I think about it. I've gained 20 pounds and lost my legs and I can't seem to do anything to fix it.

Even the old SuperGlide sits mostly dusty and unused. I pulled it out a few times last summer but never got very far. I think I burned about 3 gallons of gas. 

I guess I'm like so many in the world these days...somehow lost, a little bitter, a lot worried, sometimes scared, often angry, always on edge. I'm on a circus wire with the wind blowing and the lions are loose in the ring below. There are times when it's paralyzing. I'm jumpy and short-tempered and I know it. A song came on when I was driving home last week and I found myself wiping away big tears for no apparent reason. The world just seems so broken. Sometimes I seem broken.

I know I should thank my lucky stars that I'm where I am. I have a wonderful woman to be my best friend, I have a home, I'm still working when so many are not, there's food in the fridge and so far at least...I haven't caught the virus. I'm wildly fortunate and I know that too but this time of year and particularly this year...I'm struggling.

Someday maybe this thing will leave me alone. Sunny days and a vaccination would probably help. I have some time off coming in May so there's that to at least look forward to. In the meantime...I'll do like I always have...dig in and do the best I can. Check a couple things off my to-do list and take a good day whenever I can get it.

If I can just make it through to spring...